Start start start. Sometimes I really wrestle about with the words I want to use to launch into a blog post, especially as I am again rusty around the edges.
I have been absenting myself from the writerly world again. It happens. I get very riddled with anxiety bugs. The resultant circumstance: no scribbles, electronic or otherwise.
But today is not about that.
It is about the new, which is the old. The resolution that is dissolution. As in the dissolving of all goal-settings somewhere in early February.
It is about the futility of the getting “better and better and better”….into infinity. Infinitesimally.
What does this mean? Striving to arrive. And never getting there. Wham bam slam fighting with yourself up hill, and yet ending up at the bottom, a rolling stone that gathered all its moss on the way back down.
This may look like my eyes cannot see through the rose tinted glasses, but this isn’t what I mean.
The honed tip of it is, that until you stop trying to self-wrangle, you will not see the “me and i “re-unite and you will not get the universal principle of flow. The body and brain fight will keep going on and on until they both rot away having never been properly introduced.
There seems to be some magic to it, but that is an illusion. It isn’t about reformation of your flesh…the idea that you will only be in your body once you’ve “fixed” it. Trust me, I was thin and fit and felt pretty grand about my short-lived acceptable frame in a superficial way. But love? Nah. Because the first guy that came along that mistreated me…that was enough for me to fall to bits; he pulled the fine threads, and all of the ugly truths hidden beneath the shinier version of me unseamed their seemly selves and fell around my ankles. And I ran and got my thick ropes and weighty chains and willingly bound myself up again.
So no, it isn’t about the temporary. And even if I had “kept the weight off”, and let’s say, become an obsessive undereater or overexerciser, it would be the same same same.
I am not unified. I am a brain that wants to beat the body into submission. I am a body that says, “Fuck you. I won’t move until I feel like it.” A woman divided and aware of it. But, this is a deeper than this discussion. Such ideas are a tiny crumble piece of the pie. This is about the all and everything.
How to go with the flow? How to get into the universal groove, where these divisions and revisions melt down together?
The how-to’s can’t tell you.
What to do?
What to think?
How to un-think everything you thought you knew and stop “knowing” in its tracks?
“So long as the mind is split, life is perpetual conflict, tension, frustration, and disillusion. Suffering is piled on suffering, fear on fear and boredom on boredom. The more the fly struggles to get out of the honey, the faster he is stuck. Under the pressure of so much strain and futility, it is no wonder that men seek release in violence and sensationalism, and in the reckless exploitation of their bodies, their appetites, the material world, and their fellow men. What this must add to the necessary and unavoidable pains of existence is incalculable.
But the undivided mind is free of this tension of trying to stand outside oneself and trying to be elsewhere than the here and now. Each moment is lived completely, and there is thus a sense of fulfillment and completeness. The divided mind comes to the dinner table and pecks at one dish after another, rushing on without digesting anything to find one better than the last. It finds nothing good because it never really tastes.
When, on the other hand, you realize that you live, that indeed you are this moment now, and no other, that apart from this there is no past and no future, you must relax and taste to the full, whether it be pleasure or pain. At once it becomes obvious why this universe exists, why conscious beings have been produced, why sensitive organs, why space, why time and change. The whole problem of justifying nature, of trying to make life mean something in terms of the future, disappears utterly. Obviously, it all exists for this moment. It is a dance. And when you are dancing, you are not intent on getting somewhere. You go round and round, but not under the illusion that you are pursuing something or fleeing from the jaws of hell.
How long have the planets been circling the sun? Are they getting anywhere, and do they go faster and faster in order to arrive? How often has the spring returned to the earth? Does it come faster and fancier every year, to be sure to be better than the last spring, and to hurry on the way to the spring that shall outspring all springs?
The meaning and the purpose of dancing is the dance. Like music, also, it is fulfilled in each moment of its course. You do not play a sonata in order to reach the final chord.” The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety” Alan Watts, 1951
I hilighted the final portion of this lengthy quote, as it was what struck my mind and resounded like a gong. It doesn’t mean I get how to be that, but I get that is what it is. If that makes any sense.
I felt the rest set an excellent context for not only my favourite part, but for this post.
Be in this now, because that now that I mentioned is gone, and now now now are already behind us all.
And this future, imaginary, better-than-me-now is a lie…the 20 million items on the to-do list, the 102 New Year’s Resolutions are ultimately missing the point and won’t resolve anything.
It isn’t about goal orientation anymore than it is about aimlessness. It is about being present. And open.
And all will from this…..flow.