I did mean what I wrote at, I don’t know, 2 ish this morning.
But, I realized waking up that it was a gut reaction to an overall frustration I am having about where my life is and where I imagine it should be, in all its aspects.
Waking up, I thought, “Maybe this blog just needs to be an electronic diary, and that is all. If I want to run a single-minded, try to get attention and lots of readers type blog in the future, maybe I will, but just because only 1 and sometimes up to 3 people are periodically reading this, it doesn’t mean it’s a waste of time.”
I know better than that. I said so myself. It adds value to my life. I get ideas rolling in this space, whether they end up anywhere isn’t important.
I shouldn’t have looked at the stats page. I would like to apologize to me, myself, and I, and anyone else who does occasionally read. It wasn’t just about numbers, it was more what I felt they represented; lack of interest in me, not just my writing, but in me as a human being.
That is what that post really was about. I have felt a great deal of loneliness over the last couple of years. And I have felt abandoned by my friendships. I have worked really hard to get new relationships off the ground, and found myself falling flat on my face more times than not.
Things are currently turning around, but what if I go to China?
The last time I went away, I had a group of friends that I was regularly part of. Naturally, when I came back, time hadn’t suspended its laws, and they had moved on. There were new group members who decidedly didn’t take to me. I spent years on the outskirts of a group of friends that I used to feel a part of. And I could never get back in. And truth be told, that is what needed to happen, but it certainly didn’t feel that way at the time.
Something about right now, something is finally shifting. My efforts over the last number of months to meet new people, make new friends is really starting to pay off.
And, however tangentially linked this may seem, the sense that I might now, just as momentum seems to be going in my favour, up and leave for China, sent me off my head.
In addition to this, I was doing what I do in times of duress; looking outside of myself for validation. It is beautiful and wonderful to have feedback, to be told by others that they value you, that they love you, that you mean something to them. But, the lesson the universe seems to want me to learn is how to really love myself. And mean it. And persist in it. And because I don’t know how, anything that isn’t bringing in comments and compliments, when my phone isn’t ringing, when I feel like I have to beg and plead for even a smidgen of attention, I have moments where it all builds up and I say something I do mean, but is really just on the surface of what is going on in my heart and mind and body.
And in the end, all it needs to be, is something for myself. I can dust off my ego, get on with it. I must reside in a place of patience and be willing to let it be whatever it is, and not wish it to be something it cannot.