It came to me this morning, moments ago, in fact, that as a poetry based writer….one who scribes poetic prose/narrative and/or narrative poetry, it would behoove me to do something kind and lovely with my words. There are many ways to show yourself love, but since I am a writer, why not use a skill I care about so deeply to tell me the truth about myself? And while I do talk a lot about myself in this blog, I haven’t really taken this approach in writing before. The trick is to avoid being egotistical. Or rather, getting too caught up in that aspect…going deeper than that. Hmmmm.
This notion sprung up simply because I was thinking of behavioral psychology…specifically, how can I break this one particular bad habit of mine with the reward system. Since it is my inclination to punish and scold myself or reward myself with stuff that makes me feel guilty, I thought I had better come up with an expansive list, and this was the first thing that came to mind.
My second thought…that is weird. But is it? I mean, because with unconditional love wouldn’t you want to start with yourself? How do I learn this if I’m not willing to actively explore what I love about me and admit it out loud. I have no real problem habitually negating myself. It’s subtle sometimes, but it’s there….and sometimes it isn’t subtle. But I can’t just will that all away if there isn’t anything to replace it with. And stopping negative thoughts in their track and replacing them with positive ones doesn’t work for me. Not long term and sometimes not even short.
I would like this to be a transformational experience. It will not all be, “I’m so awesome. And here is why. Fun, light, etc” It must, by nature go to all places I’ve been and explore healing.
And this, in turn, I hope will teach me to be a more expressive person, to be present with others, and to love them more steadfastly, with more truth and depth. Because the fact remains, we don’t know how long we have, and there isn’t infinite time to treat ourselves and others with the love, care, and respect they deserve.
For now, this is food for thought, as I have to eat breakfast and do homework. Munch Munch Munch.