I haven’t written a proper entry since the beginning of September. In this time, I have shifted backward and fallen downward.
I have never stopped writing, whether it be on paper, a computer, in my brain, on a voice recorder and I likely never will, but I haven’t been able to bring closure to any of the entries.
The process of blogging is different; it is a medium I’m still not quite used to and it has felt uncomfortable for the past month and a half. The blog, like my mind, has started and stopped and raced non-sensically around the room. I haven’t had peace in my thought process; not enough to be objective or directed.
I think my purpose in blogging has been too ill-defined and I need to decide if I’m going to try to get more than 2 people to read this, somehow. This is my constant struggle when it comes to my own voice; do I share it or not? If so, how much is too much? I have a wildly diverse over-share to hide-and-go-seek approach to life that is admittedly confusing and frustrating for me and others.
If I am going to write this blog, then shouldn’t I be trying to generate more traffic, because otherwise, why have it on here at all? I could be writing all of this in a journal or a Microsoft document or in an e-mail to myself.
I started this, in truth, with the intention of being very honest, painfully honest, really tossing about the muck, come what may, but I haven’t done so. And this frustrates me immensely, because if this is to go any further, I want who I am to be clear; what I have experienced, where I’ve come from, to be as true as I can manage. And ultimately, I want to be helpful. I had an audience in mind, a particular type of audience, that isn’t seeing this at all.
Ultimately, I know that I need to get a grip on what I’m doing and why. I am very grateful to my one consistent reader (you know who you are, or should…yes, Kaan, that would be you). I do appreciate the time you’ve taken. I want to make this a place worth coming to and perusing again.