Actually, I will start by mentioning that I will only be taking photos of food I haven’t been repeatedly eating. I have had the same brek, basically, and the same sandwich, as have been previously photographed. The same veggie snacks, granola bar, and hardboiled egg. I don’t mind this sameness. It’s easy, it tastes great to me, but I have realized that taking pictures of the same food again and again isn’t necessary. My dinner is a veggie chick-un burger with salsa, cuc, toms, spinach, with chipotle bbq sauce, dijon, pesto and I think that’s all she wrote.
I will start again by saying to myself: good job to you, dearest. It has been a very strange week, with the wild highs of yippee, I’m taking charge, to the upheaval and upcoming of toxins in all of their forms, be they bodily grumpiness to recollections of past breakdowns and breakups.
But today was a pretty decent way to end a week. The hardest part is changing my mind. The second hardest part is staying awake to what is true. What I am doing and why..and how this can either hurt or help me and by extension, others.
Along the way, I have thought, this is so incredibly self-absorbed to be writing ad naseum about me me me. And why is that so bad? It’s a double edged sword, I believe. There is the problem of falling head long into self congratulation and rolling about in success and forgetting what it’s like to struggle. In a nutshell, I fell into this trap after the 95 lb drop off. That was only one part of the problem though. On the other side of things, not being absorbed into your true self means you aren’t connected, you don’t live life to its fullest potential, and you are not free to find joy. And I didn’t find joy the first time around for any length of time. I felt proud, I felt healthier, I felt more energetic mostly, and sometimes I felt happy about it. But also hovering about was uneasiness.
There were very clear moments where I just couldn’t feel much of anything. I became detached from the accomplishment, and when I became detached a peculiar problem arose. I didn’t see how this correlated with an arrogance in me then, but I get it now; I felt I had made it but it felt hollow. I sincerely wished upon a star that I wouldn’t fall again, and so how could anyone else? I externalized my anxiety, I externalized my happiness. Everything left me. That’s what I mean by, “Oh, how the mighty have fallen!” in my day 1 entry. I am ashamed to admit this negativity, but part of arrogance comes from a gap in connection with yourself and others, even if you are right in the midst of a temporary high. If you aren’t really self-aware, inevitably, you are not fully cognizant of your relationships with others, and your effect upon them through your words, actions, and sometimes even more powerfully, inactions and lack of words.
Ultimately, I see arrogance and self effacement as one and the same. They are defensive, and based on the false. On either end, I have been scared. Of what? It’s imprecise and yet… Really, just being myself. Being thoughtful when thoughtfulness is called for, but in equal measures, free of thought. There must be a balance.
I have been learning ever so slowly that I must go into the darkness, really go in, to come out in the light. Again, a balancing of the qualities. What that means precisely, I don’t know. It doesn’t mean ruminating on my so-called badnesses. It just means opening my experiences up with a hammer, sharing the fruits/nuts of my toil with others, and knowing that whoever is willing will be there on the other side. Everyone and everything else will go of their own volition.