*Please Note: Teddy Bear does NOT approve of my heavy computer usage today. She does not wish for me to write blogs, apply for jobs, or even blow bubbles in the backyard. She only wants BELLY RUBS!!! And food. And walks. And to lie on the deck.
Instead, I am taking a break from bumbling about in my resumes to blog about my bumbling around in my resumes.. YAY!!! Hip hip Haroo! No matter how many times I do them, I still don’t feel they’re good enough, the right fit for the job, etc..
I have been unpaid for my employment for quite some time. I am in a rather sticky wicket, because I need to start earning money, but I don’t particularly know what I ought to do. I have some talents and leanings, all very much artistic in nature. I am good at and/or interested in quite a laundry list of things, all interwoven, none overly specialized or focused, I regret to say. I love: writing (obviously), film, dancing, singing, acting, the environment, helping, teaching, facilitating, getting down to hard work in the dirt, and anything that let’s me be my quirky self.
The above mentioned things are true, but I have’t sold them well and don’t quite know how. I’ve gotten close a few times, and kablooey. Never in my life have I been out of work for so long. I think in some ways it’s awesome; I needed the time and most people are not afforded the luxury. I have gotten to write, volunteer, go to a few festivals, and had plenty of time to consult with my team of professional support people; all of whom listen every so patiently as I muddle about. It is not so much that I don’t know the things I want; I just don’t know how to get there.
Despite all appearances, and sarcastic what not’s, I am a rather idealistic person. I understand what is defined, by some, as reality (which I don’t live in, apparently) and what are seen as dreams, passions, but impossibilities for my life, for everyone’s lives. I just can’t be happy with squandering the only things I’m actually decent at; the only things I really care about.
When it comes to writing, for example, I can get quite stuck in my “I’m never going to be Sylvia Plath”doms. One might argue that not sticking my head in an oven is a good thing, and that if I were given the option to be like so many great writers and meander to my death in a river, find myself at the bottom of a bottle, at the barrel end of a gun, a needle jammed into my arm, what would I prefer? Me, now, or them then. Is it not enough that I love to write? Is that not a good and delightful thing, without having to be brilliant and acclaimed. YES!
And yet, no. Because I want to be driven through my day by love, and to pursue it with madness, and there simply isn’t a “job” I have ever had that has brought me as much joy as any of the above mentioned things. I am the only one to be held accountable for the lack of these things in my life, but I think I needed to learn progressively and the hard way. No one ever asked me what I really wanted when I was young. And honestly, I didn’t really know. And even if I had thought I knew, I have changed so much in some ways, that inevitably, it would have altered. As it has done.
Ultimately, the question comes down to, who do I want to be and who do I want to decide what is and isn’t acceptable for my life? I know who I have been, I know what I left behind. Conservative Christian Leanna still plays her part, to be sure, but I am not that person anymore. All of these collective beliefs and actions have formed me, but they aren’t me. If they were, then I would be married..or more likely in the midst of a divorce, I would still live in or near my hometown, I wouldn’t have a tattoo. I would and wouldn’t so many things. The trajectory path of my life has its rhyme and reason, and I know only one thing for certain; that I don’t know, but I am not giving up.
Despite the rocky start to my day, I feel assured that I, Leanna Greenway, have a lot to offer, and will henceforth, go out into this eve and blow bubbles yet again. I will eat drink be merry. And I will find quiet answers to my queries when they POP in the fading sunlight.